There are days when I feel like a second rate person. I'm an overall positive person, some of the positions I have allowed myself to be placed in make me feel less optimistic about many things.
Job
My job is an unchallenging and unfulfilling place. I see myself relegated to a series of projects that made me excited to be in the IT world to feeling more like the greeter at a Wal-Mart, responsibility wise. I stay at this job for a couple of reasons: one, I get a decent amount of time off each year, and if I'm sane and crazy enough to stay here till May 2013 - my 10 year anniversary - I will acquire another week of vacation time. I do have some flex time when there is no crisis happening, which allows me to take a 2 hour lunch if I need to or run my daughter somewhere. I easily put in over 40 hours a week and usually eat my lunch at my desk, but it's nice to not have to answer to a direct boss (although that is changing once again today).
Home
While my wife and I have a great relationship, there is some intimidation that goes on, as I've blogged about before. Not so much disastrous, but because I've allowed/participated in giving up some control of what goes on, mostly with positive results I might add, but at times, not feeling comfortable to have a voice of my own, just letting my other half make the decisions. And this does work, as I just mentioned, but not all the time as I get resentful here and there. Growing a "set" after years of letting someone else carry that "set" is not an easy transition of occurrence. I attempt it when I reach a limit, and it makes me feel like I might be overstepping my bounds, yet with a bit of relief to finally take the reigns.
Mental
Due to many factors, I've let a lot of what's bothering me creep into my creative side, which has hampered my ability to dedicate time to making videos, writing novels, reading books and going places without my mental state taking a front and center interruption. I am seeing a counselor at this time to help me regain focus, but until I can see myself making a major change, I don't foresee any results being made.
And to segue way into change, it's that enlightened hope that change will bring more enjoyment in my work and home lives, bringing it back to being challenged and using my creative side to make moving forward and reality, and not just something I talk about each and every day.
Showing posts with label wife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wife. Show all posts
December 5, 2012
August 10, 2012
Life is Just a List of "Don't Do That's"
So last night, I was scheduled off bowling on the summer league. There was a concert that I was planning to attend, but the band canceled and none of the people I had planned to go with were still wanting to go see the replacement band they scheduled. So instead, I decided to go cheer my team on while they bowled.
I also found time to visit the bar at the bowling alley and throw back a few drinks. Now if you've known me when I drink, I'm a happy drinker. I'm not angry, nor do I get all weird or odd when I drink. I smile and have a good time.
But as sometimes happens with consuming alcohol, we all tend to increase the volume in our voice to some degree. And evidently saying the word "whiskey" many times throughout the night was annoying to someone on the other team. They didn't tell me, but told my wife, who then told me to "tone it down" The third time she told me this is when she mentioned the person on the other team. So I toned it down... way down. To a mostly silent level.
After the last game was over, I congratulated the other team on their win and apologized to the person I was being "too loud" to. She seemed a bit confused and said that it was ok and that it wasn't an issue. It wasn't until the car ride home with my wife that I learned SHE was the person I was being "too loud" for, not the other bowling.
This is not new. There have been many times in the years we have been together that there are things I do that bother her. Slurping coffee or soup, the occasional smacking of the lips after eating something, shaking my leg at night when I sleep. And many others. I have taken note of them after we have our discussion about it, which then turns into me stopping the thing I do.
We ended up having quite the discussion about the "loudness" last night and this morning before I left for work. She made it known to me that it wasn't about me being happy... she just simply wanted me to tone it down in that particular setting.
How I work and operate is that I try to not do things that annoying people. And over the years, I've made extra efforts to stop those things around my wife, even to the point to when she is not around, I have that level of "I need to make sure I don't do that" And in general, that's a respectful thing. And it has the benefit of, just in case it bothers other people besides my wife, I get a win for not being annoying to the public.
But it's a consumable list of items that I add to here which prompts a long discussion, followed by a cool off period which is then forgotten until I do something else that bothers her and we repeat the whole drama situation over.
I hate drama with a fucking passion and I do what it takes to avoid it at all costs. Yet, for some reason, as I add now yet another item to my "don't do that" list, I've pushed myself into another round of drama. Did I make a big deal out of nothing? Quite possibly, but at the same time, I struggle with the understanding of being with someone who tells me often that I'm a good guy, yet will find the thing that I do that bothers her that makes me question the title of "good guy."
Have I set the bar too high? Am I that good of a guy that my wife expects so much more out of me and each little thing I do that bugs her has to be squashed?
At this point, it's just a level of frustration added to my list of "don't do that" on top of the other shit that I am personally dealing with (projects in various states of incompleteness) and another dramatic episode that I try so hard not to repeat.
Another round of drinks please. I'll be over here quietly managing my lists.
I also found time to visit the bar at the bowling alley and throw back a few drinks. Now if you've known me when I drink, I'm a happy drinker. I'm not angry, nor do I get all weird or odd when I drink. I smile and have a good time.
But as sometimes happens with consuming alcohol, we all tend to increase the volume in our voice to some degree. And evidently saying the word "whiskey" many times throughout the night was annoying to someone on the other team. They didn't tell me, but told my wife, who then told me to "tone it down" The third time she told me this is when she mentioned the person on the other team. So I toned it down... way down. To a mostly silent level.
After the last game was over, I congratulated the other team on their win and apologized to the person I was being "too loud" to. She seemed a bit confused and said that it was ok and that it wasn't an issue. It wasn't until the car ride home with my wife that I learned SHE was the person I was being "too loud" for, not the other bowling.
This is not new. There have been many times in the years we have been together that there are things I do that bother her. Slurping coffee or soup, the occasional smacking of the lips after eating something, shaking my leg at night when I sleep. And many others. I have taken note of them after we have our discussion about it, which then turns into me stopping the thing I do.
We ended up having quite the discussion about the "loudness" last night and this morning before I left for work. She made it known to me that it wasn't about me being happy... she just simply wanted me to tone it down in that particular setting.
How I work and operate is that I try to not do things that annoying people. And over the years, I've made extra efforts to stop those things around my wife, even to the point to when she is not around, I have that level of "I need to make sure I don't do that" And in general, that's a respectful thing. And it has the benefit of, just in case it bothers other people besides my wife, I get a win for not being annoying to the public.
But it's a consumable list of items that I add to here which prompts a long discussion, followed by a cool off period which is then forgotten until I do something else that bothers her and we repeat the whole drama situation over.
I hate drama with a fucking passion and I do what it takes to avoid it at all costs. Yet, for some reason, as I add now yet another item to my "don't do that" list, I've pushed myself into another round of drama. Did I make a big deal out of nothing? Quite possibly, but at the same time, I struggle with the understanding of being with someone who tells me often that I'm a good guy, yet will find the thing that I do that bothers her that makes me question the title of "good guy."
Have I set the bar too high? Am I that good of a guy that my wife expects so much more out of me and each little thing I do that bugs her has to be squashed?
At this point, it's just a level of frustration added to my list of "don't do that" on top of the other shit that I am personally dealing with (projects in various states of incompleteness) and another dramatic episode that I try so hard not to repeat.
Another round of drinks please. I'll be over here quietly managing my lists.
June 27, 2012
Being Asked vs. Being Told
Last night, right after I told my wife that I was going to steak dinner with a friend, she asked a big favor of me.
Earlier, she mentioned that she was going to a play with her friend/boss/co-worker and wouldn't be able to mow the lawn. It had been a while since I had mowed the lawn... last year, I believe. It's not hard, it's just awkward and it's not the easiest lawn to mow, which doesn't make it hard, just not easy.
So of course I said I would, but time wise, I wanted to plan to still make dinner with my friend, not really giving me much time to visit with him if I waited until after work to mow the lawn then racing over to the bar. Or going to the bar, wolfing down dinner and drinks then racing home to mow the lawn before it got dark. This convoluted mess of time mixed in my head for a couple of hours this morning and I finally came up with a resolve.
Go home at lunch and mow the lawn.
The sun was out, I sweated a little and finished the monster task in under an hour. I'm sure I missed a few spots (but not as many as would be missed in the dusk-to-dark hour). Now my mind is free and I can hang out with my friend and enjoy dinner and cocktails without guilt or being rushed.
Which brings me to the subject of this post. There are many times in the last few years where I've had many distractions that have gotten in the way of things I wanted to do. Some of those are requests from my spouse that almost always seem to have that timing that conflicts with other things I want to do. I have no defense for those times I mindlessly surf the web at home and am the least bit productive. Those times are always followed with a "Yes dear" and the task gets completed sooner than later.
But when conflict presents itself, my mind plays out different scenarios of how I can do both the thing I want and the thing my wife wants. That, in of itself, is where a good manager of time can avoid conflict and enjoy life. I am not quite there yet in that Time Manager title, but someday, I hope to be.
It will be a day that I will both enjoy and missing the eventual conflict.
Earlier, she mentioned that she was going to a play with her friend/boss/co-worker and wouldn't be able to mow the lawn. It had been a while since I had mowed the lawn... last year, I believe. It's not hard, it's just awkward and it's not the easiest lawn to mow, which doesn't make it hard, just not easy.
So of course I said I would, but time wise, I wanted to plan to still make dinner with my friend, not really giving me much time to visit with him if I waited until after work to mow the lawn then racing over to the bar. Or going to the bar, wolfing down dinner and drinks then racing home to mow the lawn before it got dark. This convoluted mess of time mixed in my head for a couple of hours this morning and I finally came up with a resolve.
Go home at lunch and mow the lawn.
The sun was out, I sweated a little and finished the monster task in under an hour. I'm sure I missed a few spots (but not as many as would be missed in the dusk-to-dark hour). Now my mind is free and I can hang out with my friend and enjoy dinner and cocktails without guilt or being rushed.
Which brings me to the subject of this post. There are many times in the last few years where I've had many distractions that have gotten in the way of things I wanted to do. Some of those are requests from my spouse that almost always seem to have that timing that conflicts with other things I want to do. I have no defense for those times I mindlessly surf the web at home and am the least bit productive. Those times are always followed with a "Yes dear" and the task gets completed sooner than later.
But when conflict presents itself, my mind plays out different scenarios of how I can do both the thing I want and the thing my wife wants. That, in of itself, is where a good manager of time can avoid conflict and enjoy life. I am not quite there yet in that Time Manager title, but someday, I hope to be.
It will be a day that I will both enjoy and missing the eventual conflict.
November 17, 2011
Procrastination
One of the main reasons that allow me to go months without posting here is the fact that I've always treated this blog as a secret blog, even though it contains my full name and is not private.
Surely there has been enough that's happened with my life in the exactly four months it's been since I last posted here.
- Of my 4 active blogs, the other blog that's been ignored is Scooter Sunday. Not on purpose, mind you, but just naturally inactive due to the lack of editing of Scooter Sunday episodes.
- The other 2 blogs that are active - Chillywilly.org and Banal Leakage - have remained at their normal pace of postings, with a few days in between posting being part of that normal pace.
- I should also mention another blog I update, where my alias is a LEGO minifig stormtrooper named Cooper... Cooper Trooper. It gets updates less frequently than I plan to.
- I've traveled a lot. Seattle, northern Oregon and Vancouver, WA at the end of July. Vancouver, WA again two weeks later, Irvine, CA a week later for my 30th high school reunion. And Las Vegas and LEGOLand at the end of October. All trips were good, with the exception of my spouse giving her driving instructions, which bothers me on many levels.
- I've been writing fiction, but not without procrastinating a lot. I start a good story, then get busy with something else, come back to it and get it mostly finished. Then wait till the day or two before it's due and scrambling to make final edits.
- Speaking of writing, I joined up to NaNoWriMo to give me some incentive to finish my novel I started in September 2000. I'm still at chapter 3, with chapters 4-30 still in my head.
- As for my day job, the frustrations I deal with there still have not pushed me to a level of wanting to go somewhere else. Perhaps I'm more at ease to let things be, given I have flex time and vacation days still left to burn for 2011. Plus, it's not as stressful as it normally is.
- Daily exercise eludes me most days, with the treadmill now tucked into the corner of the downstairs family room. My wife put it there... honest.. I'm not just dumping on her (only her driving instructions deserve the harsh retort I give her). I just might have to join a gym again to give me some motivation.
Which leads me into the very reason I put things off a lot. It's a matter of managing both my time and my many distractions. When that day finally arrives, except some miraculous results posted to my other blogs. And a nice mention here, of course.
Wish me luck.
Surely there has been enough that's happened with my life in the exactly four months it's been since I last posted here.
- Of my 4 active blogs, the other blog that's been ignored is Scooter Sunday. Not on purpose, mind you, but just naturally inactive due to the lack of editing of Scooter Sunday episodes.
- The other 2 blogs that are active - Chillywilly.org and Banal Leakage - have remained at their normal pace of postings, with a few days in between posting being part of that normal pace.
- I should also mention another blog I update, where my alias is a LEGO minifig stormtrooper named Cooper... Cooper Trooper. It gets updates less frequently than I plan to.
- I've traveled a lot. Seattle, northern Oregon and Vancouver, WA at the end of July. Vancouver, WA again two weeks later, Irvine, CA a week later for my 30th high school reunion. And Las Vegas and LEGOLand at the end of October. All trips were good, with the exception of my spouse giving her driving instructions, which bothers me on many levels.
- I've been writing fiction, but not without procrastinating a lot. I start a good story, then get busy with something else, come back to it and get it mostly finished. Then wait till the day or two before it's due and scrambling to make final edits.
- Speaking of writing, I joined up to NaNoWriMo to give me some incentive to finish my novel I started in September 2000. I'm still at chapter 3, with chapters 4-30 still in my head.
- As for my day job, the frustrations I deal with there still have not pushed me to a level of wanting to go somewhere else. Perhaps I'm more at ease to let things be, given I have flex time and vacation days still left to burn for 2011. Plus, it's not as stressful as it normally is.
- Daily exercise eludes me most days, with the treadmill now tucked into the corner of the downstairs family room. My wife put it there... honest.. I'm not just dumping on her (only her driving instructions deserve the harsh retort I give her). I just might have to join a gym again to give me some motivation.
Which leads me into the very reason I put things off a lot. It's a matter of managing both my time and my many distractions. When that day finally arrives, except some miraculous results posted to my other blogs. And a nice mention here, of course.
Wish me luck.
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