Second Rate

There are days when I feel like a second rate person.  I'm an overall positive person, some of the positions I have allowed myself to be placed in make me feel less optimistic about many things.

Job
My job is an unchallenging and unfulfilling place.  I see myself relegated to a series of projects that made me excited to be in the IT world to feeling more like the greeter at a Wal-Mart, responsibility wise.  I stay at this job for a couple of reasons: one, I get a decent amount of time off each year, and if I'm sane and crazy enough to stay here till May 2013 - my 10 year anniversary - I will acquire another week of vacation time.  I do have some flex time when there is no crisis happening, which allows me to take a 2 hour lunch if I need to or run my daughter somewhere.  I easily put in over 40 hours a week and usually eat my lunch at my desk, but it's nice to not have to answer to a direct boss (although that is changing once again today).

Home
While my wife and I have a great relationship, there is some intimidation that goes on, as I've blogged about before.  Not so much disastrous, but because I've allowed/participated in giving up some control of what goes on, mostly with positive results I might add, but at times, not feeling comfortable to have a voice of my own, just letting my other half make the decisions.  And this does work, as I just mentioned, but not all the time as I get resentful here and there.  Growing a "set" after years of letting someone else carry that "set" is not an easy transition of occurrence.  I attempt it when I reach a limit, and it makes me feel like I might be overstepping my bounds, yet with a bit of relief to finally take the reigns.

Mental
Due to many factors, I've let a lot of what's bothering me creep into my creative side, which has hampered my ability to dedicate time to making videos, writing novels, reading books and going places without my mental state taking a front and center interruption.  I am seeing a counselor at this time to help me regain focus, but until I can see myself making a major change, I don't foresee any results being made.

And to segue way into change, it's that enlightened hope that change will bring more enjoyment in my work and home lives, bringing it back to being challenged and using my creative side to make moving forward and reality, and not just something I talk about each and every day.