Second Rate

There are days when I feel like a second rate person.  I'm an overall positive person, some of the positions I have allowed myself to be placed in make me feel less optimistic about many things.

Job
My job is an unchallenging and unfulfilling place.  I see myself relegated to a series of projects that made me excited to be in the IT world to feeling more like the greeter at a Wal-Mart, responsibility wise.  I stay at this job for a couple of reasons: one, I get a decent amount of time off each year, and if I'm sane and crazy enough to stay here till May 2013 - my 10 year anniversary - I will acquire another week of vacation time.  I do have some flex time when there is no crisis happening, which allows me to take a 2 hour lunch if I need to or run my daughter somewhere.  I easily put in over 40 hours a week and usually eat my lunch at my desk, but it's nice to not have to answer to a direct boss (although that is changing once again today).

Home
While my wife and I have a great relationship, there is some intimidation that goes on, as I've blogged about before.  Not so much disastrous, but because I've allowed/participated in giving up some control of what goes on, mostly with positive results I might add, but at times, not feeling comfortable to have a voice of my own, just letting my other half make the decisions.  And this does work, as I just mentioned, but not all the time as I get resentful here and there.  Growing a "set" after years of letting someone else carry that "set" is not an easy transition of occurrence.  I attempt it when I reach a limit, and it makes me feel like I might be overstepping my bounds, yet with a bit of relief to finally take the reigns.

Mental
Due to many factors, I've let a lot of what's bothering me creep into my creative side, which has hampered my ability to dedicate time to making videos, writing novels, reading books and going places without my mental state taking a front and center interruption.  I am seeing a counselor at this time to help me regain focus, but until I can see myself making a major change, I don't foresee any results being made.

And to segue way into change, it's that enlightened hope that change will bring more enjoyment in my work and home lives, bringing it back to being challenged and using my creative side to make moving forward and reality, and not just something I talk about each and every day.

Being Asked vs. Being Told

Last night, right after I told my wife that I was going to steak dinner with a friend, she asked a big favor of me.

Earlier, she mentioned that she was going to a play with her friend/boss/co-worker and wouldn't be able to mow the lawn.  It had been a while since I had mowed the lawn... last year, I believe.  It's not hard, it's just awkward and it's not the easiest lawn to mow, which doesn't make it hard, just not easy.

So of course I said I would, but time wise, I wanted to plan to still make dinner with my friend, not really giving me much time to visit with him if I waited until after work to mow the lawn then racing over to the bar.  Or going to the bar, wolfing down dinner and drinks then racing home to mow the lawn before it got dark.  This convoluted mess of time mixed in my head for a couple of hours this morning and I finally came up with a resolve.

Go home at lunch and mow the lawn.

The sun was out, I sweated a little and finished the monster task in under an hour.  I'm sure I missed a few spots (but not as many as would be missed in the dusk-to-dark hour).  Now my mind is free and I can hang out with my friend and enjoy dinner and cocktails without guilt or being rushed.

Which brings me to the subject of this post.  There are many times in the last few years where I've had many distractions that have gotten in the way of things I wanted to do.  Some of those are requests from my spouse that almost always seem to have that timing that conflicts with other things I want to do.  I have no defense for those times I mindlessly surf the web at home and am the least bit productive.  Those times are always followed with a "Yes dear" and the task gets completed sooner than later.

But when conflict presents itself, my mind plays out different scenarios of how I can do both the thing I want and the thing my wife wants.  That, in of itself, is where a good manager of time can avoid conflict and enjoy life.  I am not quite there yet in that Time Manager title, but someday, I hope to be.

It will be a day that I will both enjoy and missing the eventual conflict.