Changes Hard

aka Change Is Hard

I turned 50 almost a month ago.  It really wasn't that big of a deal.  I had a nice party with lots of friends and booze and enjoyed myself.  Of course, that party happened 3 days before I hit the big 5-0, but still had a good time.

But turning 50 also brings up new concerns.  I've been at the job I'm not fond of for over 10 years now.  It's evident that I will celebrate 11 years in this comfortably unhappy place of employment.  Unless I want to change.  Which I do.  I don't enjoy bitching about this place.  It's fodder for the bar and former co-workers.  It drains my emotions and time and distracts me from making a change.

Which is what the goal of writing all of this is supposed to do...  incite change.  Change is hard.  Changes are difficult.  They need to happen, but the comfortable state is settling for the easy way.

There are plans in the works for change.  Perhaps a move to California.  At the very least, deciding what best to do for income.  Because when I look towards 11 years and turning 51 in 11 months, I want to look back and see a change.  Not just another similar entry taking about change.

Downward Spiral

After a rather lengthy conversation with my wife this past weekend, I have a revelation about myself that I didn't see before.  And it's that I have always had an issue with being told what to do.  I've known this about myself for sometime now, but the fact that it's been years in the making is what was new to me.

And how much it has affected my life in both good and bad ways.  The good is that I'm my own person and tend to still do things, regardless of what others tell me not to do.

The bad is that it's taken it's toll on me accomplishing anything on a regular basis.  Sure, I complete projects, but over the last 13 months, I've really let a lot of things slide - day job, exercising, video making, writing, blog posts, helping others... they have all taken a back seat to the mundane process of daily life.

The spiral effect this has caused has been a constant and ongoing frustration for me.  It has to stop at some point before it gets worse than it is now.  In my own self-diagnosis, it's not a depression.  And I do know what's causing it, which is half the battle right there.

Changing how I live my life and how I let others affect me in life is the key to getting out of this downward spiral.  And until I decide to act on this change, it's going to be the stale business as usual.