Later this afternoon, I posted a response to an article I read on the web. I'm not sure what my point was, but what came out wasn't exactly countering any point in the article. Someone I respect read my response and called me out on the point I made, which was a correction.
For some reason, I became more defensive than I should have. After all, I really should have read more of my response before posting it. In hindsight (what a common phrase that gets used a lot today), I see where I missed the point and now know what I should have wrote. A bit too late for that, buddy.
Regardless, what came out of this is the fact that person that was nicely trying to point out something to me came across as a heavy dose of criticism.
Back in the day, I used to be able to take a lot. I mean, hell... I went through a divorce where regular trashing of me and what I stood for was a regular expectation. I've worked at companies where dealing with the shit that came down on a daily basis was something I could easily handle. I've been through a lot and have handled it. This part of me now... who is this person? Have I just been dealt with so much lately that this was the final bit of criticism that I could handle before losing it? I certainly hope not.
I think most of this comes from the fact that I let way too much get in the way of doing what I want to do. I don't have that control of life like I feel I should. It's that point of wanting something that I feel I should have.
It's all a process of living life and as I normally do, I tackle the self-analysis side of a situation like this and make improvements where needed. It's the one part that does take that criticism and turn it into a positive.
You reassure me to some extent. Sometimes I feel like, holy cow am I really that sensitive!? when I feel the way you did today. Am I losing my duck's back-osity? What happened to perspective and knowing how not to get wounded and take things personally? But I've figured it may just be that day, or that mood, or something about a particular instance. The strengths we develop as we grow up, they don't fade out. We just might kinda forget now and then in the living of this complex life how to kick it in. You revisiting your reaction is just exactly right, I think. It's what I always hope to find myself doing under the same kind of circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI tend to be pretty self aware of any major changes to my thought processes and reactions. The older I get, the more frequently I notice these erratic natures showing their ugly heads.
ReplyDeleteAs I said in my post, I think a lot of it has to do with how often I wish I were doing what I wanted (writing, video production).
Your right on the money... it's not a permanent thing, just for the day. My concern is trying to keep it from being too regular... that's the challenge, IMO.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. Very much appreciated.