After a rather lengthy conversation with my wife this past weekend, I have a revelation about myself that I didn't see before. And it's that I have always had an issue with being told what to do. I've known this about myself for sometime now, but the fact that it's been years in the making is what was new to me.
And how much it has affected my life in both good and bad ways. The good is that I'm my own person and tend to still do things, regardless of what others tell me not to do.
The bad is that it's taken it's toll on me accomplishing anything on a regular basis. Sure, I complete projects, but over the last 13 months, I've really let a lot of things slide - day job, exercising, video making, writing, blog posts, helping others... they have all taken a back seat to the mundane process of daily life.
The spiral effect this has caused has been a constant and ongoing frustration for me. It has to stop at some point before it gets worse than it is now. In my own self-diagnosis, it's not a depression. And I do know what's causing it, which is half the battle right there.
Changing how I live my life and how I let others affect me in life is the key to getting out of this downward spiral. And until I decide to act on this change, it's going to be the stale business as usual.
December 6, 2011
November 17, 2011
Procrastination
One of the main reasons that allow me to go months without posting here is the fact that I've always treated this blog as a secret blog, even though it contains my full name and is not private.
Surely there has been enough that's happened with my life in the exactly four months it's been since I last posted here.
- Of my 4 active blogs, the other blog that's been ignored is Scooter Sunday. Not on purpose, mind you, but just naturally inactive due to the lack of editing of Scooter Sunday episodes.
- The other 2 blogs that are active - Chillywilly.org and Banal Leakage - have remained at their normal pace of postings, with a few days in between posting being part of that normal pace.
- I should also mention another blog I update, where my alias is a LEGO minifig stormtrooper named Cooper... Cooper Trooper. It gets updates less frequently than I plan to.
- I've traveled a lot. Seattle, northern Oregon and Vancouver, WA at the end of July. Vancouver, WA again two weeks later, Irvine, CA a week later for my 30th high school reunion. And Las Vegas and LEGOLand at the end of October. All trips were good, with the exception of my spouse giving her driving instructions, which bothers me on many levels.
- I've been writing fiction, but not without procrastinating a lot. I start a good story, then get busy with something else, come back to it and get it mostly finished. Then wait till the day or two before it's due and scrambling to make final edits.
- Speaking of writing, I joined up to NaNoWriMo to give me some incentive to finish my novel I started in September 2000. I'm still at chapter 3, with chapters 4-30 still in my head.
- As for my day job, the frustrations I deal with there still have not pushed me to a level of wanting to go somewhere else. Perhaps I'm more at ease to let things be, given I have flex time and vacation days still left to burn for 2011. Plus, it's not as stressful as it normally is.
- Daily exercise eludes me most days, with the treadmill now tucked into the corner of the downstairs family room. My wife put it there... honest.. I'm not just dumping on her (only her driving instructions deserve the harsh retort I give her). I just might have to join a gym again to give me some motivation.
Which leads me into the very reason I put things off a lot. It's a matter of managing both my time and my many distractions. When that day finally arrives, except some miraculous results posted to my other blogs. And a nice mention here, of course.
Wish me luck.
Surely there has been enough that's happened with my life in the exactly four months it's been since I last posted here.
- Of my 4 active blogs, the other blog that's been ignored is Scooter Sunday. Not on purpose, mind you, but just naturally inactive due to the lack of editing of Scooter Sunday episodes.
- The other 2 blogs that are active - Chillywilly.org and Banal Leakage - have remained at their normal pace of postings, with a few days in between posting being part of that normal pace.
- I should also mention another blog I update, where my alias is a LEGO minifig stormtrooper named Cooper... Cooper Trooper. It gets updates less frequently than I plan to.
- I've traveled a lot. Seattle, northern Oregon and Vancouver, WA at the end of July. Vancouver, WA again two weeks later, Irvine, CA a week later for my 30th high school reunion. And Las Vegas and LEGOLand at the end of October. All trips were good, with the exception of my spouse giving her driving instructions, which bothers me on many levels.
- I've been writing fiction, but not without procrastinating a lot. I start a good story, then get busy with something else, come back to it and get it mostly finished. Then wait till the day or two before it's due and scrambling to make final edits.
- Speaking of writing, I joined up to NaNoWriMo to give me some incentive to finish my novel I started in September 2000. I'm still at chapter 3, with chapters 4-30 still in my head.
- As for my day job, the frustrations I deal with there still have not pushed me to a level of wanting to go somewhere else. Perhaps I'm more at ease to let things be, given I have flex time and vacation days still left to burn for 2011. Plus, it's not as stressful as it normally is.
- Daily exercise eludes me most days, with the treadmill now tucked into the corner of the downstairs family room. My wife put it there... honest.. I'm not just dumping on her (only her driving instructions deserve the harsh retort I give her). I just might have to join a gym again to give me some motivation.
Which leads me into the very reason I put things off a lot. It's a matter of managing both my time and my many distractions. When that day finally arrives, except some miraculous results posted to my other blogs. And a nice mention here, of course.
Wish me luck.
July 17, 2011
Trying Too Hard - Part 1
There are times when I try hard to please others. Sometimes, well ok, most of the time (90%), I concentrate so much on making sure I make others happy that I miss the obvious. I happen to do this more often then I think I do, which leads to discussions from others when I forgot to say the simple thing that would continue the happiness.
Instead, that bump in the road instantly turns me into blaming myself and treating it as a fuck up. This then spirals into another distraction that takes me away from doing what I want to do, which is making progress on my personal video and writing projects.
The easy solution is to simply make a note of what needs to be said to others when certain trigger moments happen. Not too often and more often than it happens now. A balance, if you will.
Searching deeper on how I remind myself will be Part 2. For now, it's more about refocusing back to my projects.
Instead, that bump in the road instantly turns me into blaming myself and treating it as a fuck up. This then spirals into another distraction that takes me away from doing what I want to do, which is making progress on my personal video and writing projects.
The easy solution is to simply make a note of what needs to be said to others when certain trigger moments happen. Not too often and more often than it happens now. A balance, if you will.
Searching deeper on how I remind myself will be Part 2. For now, it's more about refocusing back to my projects.
June 1, 2011
Attached Or Attachment
This has been one of those topics that has been going on in my head for some time now.
It appears to be some type of message or encoded verbiage that needs to find it's way into my thought process.
It has to do with relationships.
I've never felt I was relationship material. I've been married (first time for 13 years), single many times and now married again (almost 3 years now). I've been enamored with many females that have made me gaga, giddy and act like a lost little child in a shopping mall. I've done silly things to try to win over some that maybe were interested in me during a night at the bar, but at the end of the evening, they preferred that was the end of me talking to them. Not because I was a dick or an asshole, but because I fawned over them more than they were expecting. The only smothering they were looking for was ketchup on their fries at the diner. They saw and talked to a great guy for the night. I, on the other hand, was more interested in something long term, not willing to give them any breathing room.
It took several of these one night nonsense nod-offs for me to realize I needed to back off and let time take it's course.
I give, but rarely take, which is most likely one of the reasons I think I'm not meant to be in a relationship. I get to a point where I want to take, but I've given so much, it's now expected. And any sort of trying to tip the balance has the other party wondering where the attention on them went.
Don't get me wrong. I enjoy having a stable partner and being in a stable relationship, but at the end of it all, it's just the main differences between the sexes that causes me to wonder why I bother.
So until that day comes again where I find my left ring finger empty, I give and try and make it all work as best as I can, sneaking in some "me time" when feasible.
It appears to be some type of message or encoded verbiage that needs to find it's way into my thought process.
It has to do with relationships.
I've never felt I was relationship material. I've been married (first time for 13 years), single many times and now married again (almost 3 years now). I've been enamored with many females that have made me gaga, giddy and act like a lost little child in a shopping mall. I've done silly things to try to win over some that maybe were interested in me during a night at the bar, but at the end of the evening, they preferred that was the end of me talking to them. Not because I was a dick or an asshole, but because I fawned over them more than they were expecting. The only smothering they were looking for was ketchup on their fries at the diner. They saw and talked to a great guy for the night. I, on the other hand, was more interested in something long term, not willing to give them any breathing room.
It took several of these one night nonsense nod-offs for me to realize I needed to back off and let time take it's course.
I give, but rarely take, which is most likely one of the reasons I think I'm not meant to be in a relationship. I get to a point where I want to take, but I've given so much, it's now expected. And any sort of trying to tip the balance has the other party wondering where the attention on them went.
Don't get me wrong. I enjoy having a stable partner and being in a stable relationship, but at the end of it all, it's just the main differences between the sexes that causes me to wonder why I bother.
So until that day comes again where I find my left ring finger empty, I give and try and make it all work as best as I can, sneaking in some "me time" when feasible.
April 20, 2011
4/20 at 4:20
Back in my teen years, I smoked a lot of weed. From the first month of my freshman year in high school, I was introduced to marijuana and several people I called friends and we stood under the bleachers and inhaled the pot to get through our school day.
Now more than 30 years later, I can't recall the last time I smoked a bowl. Seriously. That's not just my brain forgetting from the effects of smoking too much weed. The last I remember was Christmas eve 2008, which was well over 2 years ago.
I was even offered some before a concert last year and faked taking a hit. WTF is that all about? My teenage self would be calling me a dated old man.
But today, it's just not something I'm into anymore. Not that I won't partake any time in the future. I'm sure there's a bowl of ganga waiting for me to inhale, but not sure when.
But if weed is your regular thing and you want to celebrate on this self-appointed day of pot smoking, then I give my best Cheech and Chong thumbs up. Because regardless of anyone's feelings, attitude or personal decisions, pot should be legal and enjoyed by anyone responsible enough to use the awesome herb.
Smoke em if you got em.
Now more than 30 years later, I can't recall the last time I smoked a bowl. Seriously. That's not just my brain forgetting from the effects of smoking too much weed. The last I remember was Christmas eve 2008, which was well over 2 years ago.
I was even offered some before a concert last year and faked taking a hit. WTF is that all about? My teenage self would be calling me a dated old man.
But today, it's just not something I'm into anymore. Not that I won't partake any time in the future. I'm sure there's a bowl of ganga waiting for me to inhale, but not sure when.
But if weed is your regular thing and you want to celebrate on this self-appointed day of pot smoking, then I give my best Cheech and Chong thumbs up. Because regardless of anyone's feelings, attitude or personal decisions, pot should be legal and enjoyed by anyone responsible enough to use the awesome herb.
Smoke em if you got em.
April 2, 2011
Freedom Envy
Recently, a blogger that I read and follow posted how she changed her life to be able to be free to travel. I read this post - not with excitement - but with envy.
You see, I was once working towards this goal. It was back in 1994 and I had many things in place to make it happen. Leave the corporate world behind and work on building my own business of IT consulting and freelance writing. I got close... really close, but something happened that took my focus away from it.
So each time I read of someone else making this happen, I look back and wonder why I didn't continue to pursue this. And I think about how I can make it happen again today.
This is my goal in life. Someday, I will reach it. But not without looking back a few times a year and wondering why I didn't make it happen sooner.
You see, I was once working towards this goal. It was back in 1994 and I had many things in place to make it happen. Leave the corporate world behind and work on building my own business of IT consulting and freelance writing. I got close... really close, but something happened that took my focus away from it.
So each time I read of someone else making this happen, I look back and wonder why I didn't continue to pursue this. And I think about how I can make it happen again today.
This is my goal in life. Someday, I will reach it. But not without looking back a few times a year and wondering why I didn't make it happen sooner.
February 23, 2011
Untouchable
Part of me wants to be an executive. The part that can make mistakes and still keep your job or at least land on your feet with a nice exit package.
You are able to make decisions that cost the company money, putting that spin on it that makes it look like you are doing something positive. For example, let's say you had your hand in migrating from one system to another. The newer system is highly inferior than the one that's already in place. Two years into the migration, things are not going so well. A few million has been spent on software, hardware and consulting fees to the person that sold the idea as "awesome". Now, the whole company is "excited" about the transition from this newer system back to the system that was already in place and it's billed as a "success" that we are making progress. That is, if you deem progress as costing a few million, a couple of years of wasted time and endless amounts of extra hours that everyone except aforementioned higher up and his consultant have put in to make things right.
Meanwhile, those of us on the lower end of the organization chart, forget one minor configuration when rebuilding a computer - one that takes a few minutes to correct - and are chastised because of it.
Something seems a bit off balance here. Way off balance.
I'll continue to pursue my efforts to be the other part.
You are able to make decisions that cost the company money, putting that spin on it that makes it look like you are doing something positive. For example, let's say you had your hand in migrating from one system to another. The newer system is highly inferior than the one that's already in place. Two years into the migration, things are not going so well. A few million has been spent on software, hardware and consulting fees to the person that sold the idea as "awesome". Now, the whole company is "excited" about the transition from this newer system back to the system that was already in place and it's billed as a "success" that we are making progress. That is, if you deem progress as costing a few million, a couple of years of wasted time and endless amounts of extra hours that everyone except aforementioned higher up and his consultant have put in to make things right.
Meanwhile, those of us on the lower end of the organization chart, forget one minor configuration when rebuilding a computer - one that takes a few minutes to correct - and are chastised because of it.
Something seems a bit off balance here. Way off balance.
I'll continue to pursue my efforts to be the other part.
February 17, 2011
Liberal Ruse
So I learned this week that the whole "birther" movement was created by liberals in order to mask and distract from the real issue, which is that President Obama is not, nor has he been, eligible to be president.
I guess that's right. I mean, why else would reasonable liberals be fighting the conservative movement to keep things like a woman's right to choice, lower taxes and a cleaner environment? They had to elect an ineligible leader to make it all happen. A conspiracy in the making since August 1961.
Never mind that valid copies of the birth certificate have been produced. Disregard the fact that there have been others that have run for president that were not born on actual US soil (McCain is the most recent I can think of, born in Panama) who were never questioned about the authenticity of their birth certificate.
It seems us liberals are just making up shit as we go along, blaming it all on the conservatives and making us out to be the good guys. It looks like the gig is up. We've been found out.
So I guess when I run for office, I need to make sure I don't reveal that I was born in the back of a VW bus on the outer parts of Jakarta. I just need to make sure I keep that faked birth certificate that shows I was born in California ready to unleash on the interwebs.
I guess that's right. I mean, why else would reasonable liberals be fighting the conservative movement to keep things like a woman's right to choice, lower taxes and a cleaner environment? They had to elect an ineligible leader to make it all happen. A conspiracy in the making since August 1961.
Never mind that valid copies of the birth certificate have been produced. Disregard the fact that there have been others that have run for president that were not born on actual US soil (McCain is the most recent I can think of, born in Panama) who were never questioned about the authenticity of their birth certificate.
It seems us liberals are just making up shit as we go along, blaming it all on the conservatives and making us out to be the good guys. It looks like the gig is up. We've been found out.
So I guess when I run for office, I need to make sure I don't reveal that I was born in the back of a VW bus on the outer parts of Jakarta. I just need to make sure I keep that faked birth certificate that shows I was born in California ready to unleash on the interwebs.
January 10, 2011
Blame, Shame and The Same
One of the heated arguments that has come out of the Tuscon, AZ tragedy is what caused the shooter to take action. Lots of fingers being pointed at all sorts of people and areas. The former governor of Alaska is taking a large amount of the brunt from a poster that was drafted up almost a year ago.
It depicts cross hairs on certain parts of the country where tea party candidates for congress were expected to take over. As we learned in November's election, 18 of the 20 House seats were won by the Tea Party. Since the Rep. Giffords shooting on Saturday, this map has been a hot bed of fervor. People blaming Palin for placing a target that represents a gun sights on various candidates, Gabrielle Giffords included.
As it turns out, a lot of politicians, political groups and organizations have used these symbols before. Click the following link to see a well researched post (by an ultra conservative blogger) that was done in March 2010:
So blame cannot be placed onto one individual, even if you don't like that person or what they stand for - even if the connection hits too close to home - it's been done by others on all sides of the political collective.
Over on my main blog, I talked about needing to reduce that negative and dividing rhetoric that is part of our society today. While I still hold to that and really want to see people tone it the fuck down and be civil and work together, I don't think the blame rests with these posters that use firearm symbols and terminology. Do I detest their use in their rant against politicians? I most certainly do. Do we need to pass a law that says not to use them? Hell no. I simply want reasonable people to think clearly with their words, actions and campaign posters before making their message public.
Because even though the shooter may not have been fueled by such messages and terminology, it can sometimes be all too real in the the here and now.
January 2, 2011
All Is Quiet On New Year's Day
Well, that really wasn't true for me. You see, I was at a party with about 20 others, having many adult beverages. But sometime around 2am, it became quiet once my head hit the pillow.
Seems the proper way to ring in the new year is to cheer, shout and clap - putting the drink down for that brief moment of celebration - and then say your thanks and goodbyes to the host of the party.
As we get older, we tend to shorten our celebrations. Once a year is fine. A birthday is another occasion, but is almost always a quieter affair than the stroke of midnight on Jan 1st.
But cheer and joy and laughter, regardless of the time of the year, should never be silenced. There should always be something to smile about in your life.
And that's the general idea of what I want to make happen in 2011. So when the clock hits 11:59pm on Dec. 31, 2011, I want to have more cheers and not so many tears.
Seems the proper way to ring in the new year is to cheer, shout and clap - putting the drink down for that brief moment of celebration - and then say your thanks and goodbyes to the host of the party.
As we get older, we tend to shorten our celebrations. Once a year is fine. A birthday is another occasion, but is almost always a quieter affair than the stroke of midnight on Jan 1st.
But cheer and joy and laughter, regardless of the time of the year, should never be silenced. There should always be something to smile about in your life.
And that's the general idea of what I want to make happen in 2011. So when the clock hits 11:59pm on Dec. 31, 2011, I want to have more cheers and not so many tears.
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