I was reading an article today about being burnt out and how it was a form of resentment. And after reading it, I had to agree.
My burnt out state at my current company is a form of resentment. In the way that I resent how I've been treated in the almost 9 years I've been here.
Twice now at this company, I've been relegated to Desktop Support (my title and main job is Network Admin), which in most companies, is a thankless job. Thankless, because even though there are a good number of people that say "thank you" when you make their computer work again, it's the upper brass that couldn't give two shits about that reliable employee.
The first time, I quit, went to another company for 3 months and then got wooed back into the Borg. Two years ago, they laid off our much appreciated by many desktop guy and it's been going downhill ever since. The last few months have been particularly cruel and undeserving, which lead me to decide to finally set a date to move on and stop the employment abuse.
Carrying this level of resentment has been an albatross and one that I will be happy to get rid of.
Which will also turn that thankless position in for one that is once again appreciated.
April 25, 2012
February 10, 2012
Religious Policy Is Ignorance
Today's top news story was the Obama administration bowing to pressure from the Catholic church on the forced coverage of contraception to all businesses. Last time I checked, just about every organized religion is a business with employees, an accounting department and benefits.
Religion has gotten so powerful to cause a change in public policy, yet when someone wants them to change and stop trying to implement laws on a book that is more than 2000 years old, they claim religious discrimination and that we are not respecting their beliefs.
Something is so very wrong with this picture.
The idea that family planning on a modern level cannot be allowed just busts my balls. Oh, my bad. Maybe the busting of ones' balls means no contraception can destroy a human life, that would make these backwards religious leaders pleased as punch.
Seriously, when are we going to grow up as a society and stop letting these supposed leaders control the majority of the citizens - including a growing number that believes in no religion? It might be for a while, but I surely wish it would happen sooner.
And speaking of busted balls, maybe someday we will have a political system that grows a pair and tells these illogical control freaks to stay the fuck out of individual family planning.
Religion has gotten so powerful to cause a change in public policy, yet when someone wants them to change and stop trying to implement laws on a book that is more than 2000 years old, they claim religious discrimination and that we are not respecting their beliefs.
Something is so very wrong with this picture.
The idea that family planning on a modern level cannot be allowed just busts my balls. Oh, my bad. Maybe the busting of ones' balls means no contraception can destroy a human life, that would make these backwards religious leaders pleased as punch.
Seriously, when are we going to grow up as a society and stop letting these supposed leaders control the majority of the citizens - including a growing number that believes in no religion? It might be for a while, but I surely wish it would happen sooner.
And speaking of busted balls, maybe someday we will have a political system that grows a pair and tells these illogical control freaks to stay the fuck out of individual family planning.
February 8, 2012
New Year's Catch Up
To the hundreds of readers I have on this blog, I thought I would post an update since my last post, which was three days before Christmas 2011.
My concerns over Christmas turned out to not be concerns after all. Amazing what growing a set of balls and standing one's ground on their feeling and emotions will do. Christmas day was drama free and I had a nice day with my family.
As for 2012 so far, it's going. I went to CES in Las Vegas and had a great week filled with seeing gadgets and winning gadgets. My wife even had some of her own winning at the slot machines.
I've been pushing myself to get the gym more often. It's a basic gym that costs less than $11 a month and it's close to home. A good feeling that I know is helping me feel better.
Proposition 8 was ruled unconstitutional this week in the state of California. I posted over on my main blog about what this has done for the state since it passed. What gets me is the amount of money and time that is put into this by people this does not affect, yet their impact on the lives of others they don't give two shits about is the end result of denying them the right to marry. Equally puzzling is the Mormon church, who up until 1890, supported a marriage that wasn't "only between a man and a woman." Now they are against any "non-traditional" form of marriage - except of course after they die and can practice polygamy without that pesky government getting involved with their "godly laws." A bit hypocritical, if you ask me.
Last October, I had a physical where the doctor told me my blood sugar was a bit high. He put me on these pills called metFormin, which are used to help control the amount of insulin that my body produces. I need to go get my blood checked again soon to see if they made a difference.
After nine years with the same car, I traded it in for a brand new 2012 Nissan Sentra SR Special Edition. It's my first new car in over 25 years and it feels fucking fantastic (to borrow a line from Lily Allen' "The Fear"). Of course, I enjoyed no car payment (not counting the repair bills I put on my Midas card) for 4 years.
And that's a wrap. Let's see if I can come back here at least once a month with some more words of wisdom (not related to the religion I no longer believe in).
My concerns over Christmas turned out to not be concerns after all. Amazing what growing a set of balls and standing one's ground on their feeling and emotions will do. Christmas day was drama free and I had a nice day with my family.
As for 2012 so far, it's going. I went to CES in Las Vegas and had a great week filled with seeing gadgets and winning gadgets. My wife even had some of her own winning at the slot machines.
I've been pushing myself to get the gym more often. It's a basic gym that costs less than $11 a month and it's close to home. A good feeling that I know is helping me feel better.
Proposition 8 was ruled unconstitutional this week in the state of California. I posted over on my main blog about what this has done for the state since it passed. What gets me is the amount of money and time that is put into this by people this does not affect, yet their impact on the lives of others they don't give two shits about is the end result of denying them the right to marry. Equally puzzling is the Mormon church, who up until 1890, supported a marriage that wasn't "only between a man and a woman." Now they are against any "non-traditional" form of marriage - except of course after they die and can practice polygamy without that pesky government getting involved with their "godly laws." A bit hypocritical, if you ask me.
Last October, I had a physical where the doctor told me my blood sugar was a bit high. He put me on these pills called metFormin, which are used to help control the amount of insulin that my body produces. I need to go get my blood checked again soon to see if they made a difference.
After nine years with the same car, I traded it in for a brand new 2012 Nissan Sentra SR Special Edition. It's my first new car in over 25 years and it feels fucking fantastic (to borrow a line from Lily Allen' "The Fear"). Of course, I enjoyed no car payment (not counting the repair bills I put on my Midas card) for 4 years.
And that's a wrap. Let's see if I can come back here at least once a month with some more words of wisdom (not related to the religion I no longer believe in).
December 22, 2011
Holiday Hum Drum
Since last Christmas, I've really been so-so about the whole holiday season. Not Scrooge like, but more like not really being happy in general.
There are a lot a issues going on in my head, one of which is the dark cloud of unknown that comes between some people in my life. I try to please others before attending to my own desires and needs. Granted, I do a lot and have support from others to do it, without guilt or the permission asking steps that normally need to be taken.
But since the events that took place at the end of October 2010, I've been blah about the holiday season. I'm hoping that the marathon conversation I had the other night with my wife will help to some degree. Guess we'l see what Santa brings on Christmas Day.
There are a lot a issues going on in my head, one of which is the dark cloud of unknown that comes between some people in my life. I try to please others before attending to my own desires and needs. Granted, I do a lot and have support from others to do it, without guilt or the permission asking steps that normally need to be taken.
But since the events that took place at the end of October 2010, I've been blah about the holiday season. I'm hoping that the marathon conversation I had the other night with my wife will help to some degree. Guess we'l see what Santa brings on Christmas Day.
December 6, 2011
Downward Spiral
After a rather lengthy conversation with my wife this past weekend, I have a revelation about myself that I didn't see before. And it's that I have always had an issue with being told what to do. I've known this about myself for sometime now, but the fact that it's been years in the making is what was new to me.
And how much it has affected my life in both good and bad ways. The good is that I'm my own person and tend to still do things, regardless of what others tell me not to do.
The bad is that it's taken it's toll on me accomplishing anything on a regular basis. Sure, I complete projects, but over the last 13 months, I've really let a lot of things slide - day job, exercising, video making, writing, blog posts, helping others... they have all taken a back seat to the mundane process of daily life.
The spiral effect this has caused has been a constant and ongoing frustration for me. It has to stop at some point before it gets worse than it is now. In my own self-diagnosis, it's not a depression. And I do know what's causing it, which is half the battle right there.
Changing how I live my life and how I let others affect me in life is the key to getting out of this downward spiral. And until I decide to act on this change, it's going to be the stale business as usual.
And how much it has affected my life in both good and bad ways. The good is that I'm my own person and tend to still do things, regardless of what others tell me not to do.
The bad is that it's taken it's toll on me accomplishing anything on a regular basis. Sure, I complete projects, but over the last 13 months, I've really let a lot of things slide - day job, exercising, video making, writing, blog posts, helping others... they have all taken a back seat to the mundane process of daily life.
The spiral effect this has caused has been a constant and ongoing frustration for me. It has to stop at some point before it gets worse than it is now. In my own self-diagnosis, it's not a depression. And I do know what's causing it, which is half the battle right there.
Changing how I live my life and how I let others affect me in life is the key to getting out of this downward spiral. And until I decide to act on this change, it's going to be the stale business as usual.
November 17, 2011
Procrastination
One of the main reasons that allow me to go months without posting here is the fact that I've always treated this blog as a secret blog, even though it contains my full name and is not private.
Surely there has been enough that's happened with my life in the exactly four months it's been since I last posted here.
- Of my 4 active blogs, the other blog that's been ignored is Scooter Sunday. Not on purpose, mind you, but just naturally inactive due to the lack of editing of Scooter Sunday episodes.
- The other 2 blogs that are active - Chillywilly.org and Banal Leakage - have remained at their normal pace of postings, with a few days in between posting being part of that normal pace.
- I should also mention another blog I update, where my alias is a LEGO minifig stormtrooper named Cooper... Cooper Trooper. It gets updates less frequently than I plan to.
- I've traveled a lot. Seattle, northern Oregon and Vancouver, WA at the end of July. Vancouver, WA again two weeks later, Irvine, CA a week later for my 30th high school reunion. And Las Vegas and LEGOLand at the end of October. All trips were good, with the exception of my spouse giving her driving instructions, which bothers me on many levels.
- I've been writing fiction, but not without procrastinating a lot. I start a good story, then get busy with something else, come back to it and get it mostly finished. Then wait till the day or two before it's due and scrambling to make final edits.
- Speaking of writing, I joined up to NaNoWriMo to give me some incentive to finish my novel I started in September 2000. I'm still at chapter 3, with chapters 4-30 still in my head.
- As for my day job, the frustrations I deal with there still have not pushed me to a level of wanting to go somewhere else. Perhaps I'm more at ease to let things be, given I have flex time and vacation days still left to burn for 2011. Plus, it's not as stressful as it normally is.
- Daily exercise eludes me most days, with the treadmill now tucked into the corner of the downstairs family room. My wife put it there... honest.. I'm not just dumping on her (only her driving instructions deserve the harsh retort I give her). I just might have to join a gym again to give me some motivation.
Which leads me into the very reason I put things off a lot. It's a matter of managing both my time and my many distractions. When that day finally arrives, except some miraculous results posted to my other blogs. And a nice mention here, of course.
Wish me luck.
Surely there has been enough that's happened with my life in the exactly four months it's been since I last posted here.
- Of my 4 active blogs, the other blog that's been ignored is Scooter Sunday. Not on purpose, mind you, but just naturally inactive due to the lack of editing of Scooter Sunday episodes.
- The other 2 blogs that are active - Chillywilly.org and Banal Leakage - have remained at their normal pace of postings, with a few days in between posting being part of that normal pace.
- I should also mention another blog I update, where my alias is a LEGO minifig stormtrooper named Cooper... Cooper Trooper. It gets updates less frequently than I plan to.
- I've traveled a lot. Seattle, northern Oregon and Vancouver, WA at the end of July. Vancouver, WA again two weeks later, Irvine, CA a week later for my 30th high school reunion. And Las Vegas and LEGOLand at the end of October. All trips were good, with the exception of my spouse giving her driving instructions, which bothers me on many levels.
- I've been writing fiction, but not without procrastinating a lot. I start a good story, then get busy with something else, come back to it and get it mostly finished. Then wait till the day or two before it's due and scrambling to make final edits.
- Speaking of writing, I joined up to NaNoWriMo to give me some incentive to finish my novel I started in September 2000. I'm still at chapter 3, with chapters 4-30 still in my head.
- As for my day job, the frustrations I deal with there still have not pushed me to a level of wanting to go somewhere else. Perhaps I'm more at ease to let things be, given I have flex time and vacation days still left to burn for 2011. Plus, it's not as stressful as it normally is.
- Daily exercise eludes me most days, with the treadmill now tucked into the corner of the downstairs family room. My wife put it there... honest.. I'm not just dumping on her (only her driving instructions deserve the harsh retort I give her). I just might have to join a gym again to give me some motivation.
Which leads me into the very reason I put things off a lot. It's a matter of managing both my time and my many distractions. When that day finally arrives, except some miraculous results posted to my other blogs. And a nice mention here, of course.
Wish me luck.
July 17, 2011
Trying Too Hard - Part 1
There are times when I try hard to please others. Sometimes, well ok, most of the time (90%), I concentrate so much on making sure I make others happy that I miss the obvious. I happen to do this more often then I think I do, which leads to discussions from others when I forgot to say the simple thing that would continue the happiness.
Instead, that bump in the road instantly turns me into blaming myself and treating it as a fuck up. This then spirals into another distraction that takes me away from doing what I want to do, which is making progress on my personal video and writing projects.
The easy solution is to simply make a note of what needs to be said to others when certain trigger moments happen. Not too often and more often than it happens now. A balance, if you will.
Searching deeper on how I remind myself will be Part 2. For now, it's more about refocusing back to my projects.
Instead, that bump in the road instantly turns me into blaming myself and treating it as a fuck up. This then spirals into another distraction that takes me away from doing what I want to do, which is making progress on my personal video and writing projects.
The easy solution is to simply make a note of what needs to be said to others when certain trigger moments happen. Not too often and more often than it happens now. A balance, if you will.
Searching deeper on how I remind myself will be Part 2. For now, it's more about refocusing back to my projects.
June 1, 2011
Attached Or Attachment
This has been one of those topics that has been going on in my head for some time now.
It appears to be some type of message or encoded verbiage that needs to find it's way into my thought process.
It has to do with relationships.
I've never felt I was relationship material. I've been married (first time for 13 years), single many times and now married again (almost 3 years now). I've been enamored with many females that have made me gaga, giddy and act like a lost little child in a shopping mall. I've done silly things to try to win over some that maybe were interested in me during a night at the bar, but at the end of the evening, they preferred that was the end of me talking to them. Not because I was a dick or an asshole, but because I fawned over them more than they were expecting. The only smothering they were looking for was ketchup on their fries at the diner. They saw and talked to a great guy for the night. I, on the other hand, was more interested in something long term, not willing to give them any breathing room.
It took several of these one night nonsense nod-offs for me to realize I needed to back off and let time take it's course.
I give, but rarely take, which is most likely one of the reasons I think I'm not meant to be in a relationship. I get to a point where I want to take, but I've given so much, it's now expected. And any sort of trying to tip the balance has the other party wondering where the attention on them went.
Don't get me wrong. I enjoy having a stable partner and being in a stable relationship, but at the end of it all, it's just the main differences between the sexes that causes me to wonder why I bother.
So until that day comes again where I find my left ring finger empty, I give and try and make it all work as best as I can, sneaking in some "me time" when feasible.
It appears to be some type of message or encoded verbiage that needs to find it's way into my thought process.
It has to do with relationships.
I've never felt I was relationship material. I've been married (first time for 13 years), single many times and now married again (almost 3 years now). I've been enamored with many females that have made me gaga, giddy and act like a lost little child in a shopping mall. I've done silly things to try to win over some that maybe were interested in me during a night at the bar, but at the end of the evening, they preferred that was the end of me talking to them. Not because I was a dick or an asshole, but because I fawned over them more than they were expecting. The only smothering they were looking for was ketchup on their fries at the diner. They saw and talked to a great guy for the night. I, on the other hand, was more interested in something long term, not willing to give them any breathing room.
It took several of these one night nonsense nod-offs for me to realize I needed to back off and let time take it's course.
I give, but rarely take, which is most likely one of the reasons I think I'm not meant to be in a relationship. I get to a point where I want to take, but I've given so much, it's now expected. And any sort of trying to tip the balance has the other party wondering where the attention on them went.
Don't get me wrong. I enjoy having a stable partner and being in a stable relationship, but at the end of it all, it's just the main differences between the sexes that causes me to wonder why I bother.
So until that day comes again where I find my left ring finger empty, I give and try and make it all work as best as I can, sneaking in some "me time" when feasible.
April 20, 2011
4/20 at 4:20
Back in my teen years, I smoked a lot of weed. From the first month of my freshman year in high school, I was introduced to marijuana and several people I called friends and we stood under the bleachers and inhaled the pot to get through our school day.
Now more than 30 years later, I can't recall the last time I smoked a bowl. Seriously. That's not just my brain forgetting from the effects of smoking too much weed. The last I remember was Christmas eve 2008, which was well over 2 years ago.
I was even offered some before a concert last year and faked taking a hit. WTF is that all about? My teenage self would be calling me a dated old man.
But today, it's just not something I'm into anymore. Not that I won't partake any time in the future. I'm sure there's a bowl of ganga waiting for me to inhale, but not sure when.
But if weed is your regular thing and you want to celebrate on this self-appointed day of pot smoking, then I give my best Cheech and Chong thumbs up. Because regardless of anyone's feelings, attitude or personal decisions, pot should be legal and enjoyed by anyone responsible enough to use the awesome herb.
Smoke em if you got em.
Now more than 30 years later, I can't recall the last time I smoked a bowl. Seriously. That's not just my brain forgetting from the effects of smoking too much weed. The last I remember was Christmas eve 2008, which was well over 2 years ago.
I was even offered some before a concert last year and faked taking a hit. WTF is that all about? My teenage self would be calling me a dated old man.
But today, it's just not something I'm into anymore. Not that I won't partake any time in the future. I'm sure there's a bowl of ganga waiting for me to inhale, but not sure when.
But if weed is your regular thing and you want to celebrate on this self-appointed day of pot smoking, then I give my best Cheech and Chong thumbs up. Because regardless of anyone's feelings, attitude or personal decisions, pot should be legal and enjoyed by anyone responsible enough to use the awesome herb.
Smoke em if you got em.
April 2, 2011
Freedom Envy
Recently, a blogger that I read and follow posted how she changed her life to be able to be free to travel. I read this post - not with excitement - but with envy.
You see, I was once working towards this goal. It was back in 1994 and I had many things in place to make it happen. Leave the corporate world behind and work on building my own business of IT consulting and freelance writing. I got close... really close, but something happened that took my focus away from it.
So each time I read of someone else making this happen, I look back and wonder why I didn't continue to pursue this. And I think about how I can make it happen again today.
This is my goal in life. Someday, I will reach it. But not without looking back a few times a year and wondering why I didn't make it happen sooner.
You see, I was once working towards this goal. It was back in 1994 and I had many things in place to make it happen. Leave the corporate world behind and work on building my own business of IT consulting and freelance writing. I got close... really close, but something happened that took my focus away from it.
So each time I read of someone else making this happen, I look back and wonder why I didn't continue to pursue this. And I think about how I can make it happen again today.
This is my goal in life. Someday, I will reach it. But not without looking back a few times a year and wondering why I didn't make it happen sooner.
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