Loyalty Goes Both Ways

I learned today that a job I applied and interviewed for, went to the other candidate I was up against.

I have no clue who this other candidate is, but obviously he was the better choice for this position.  It was just myself and this other person that made it past the second interviews.  As a constellation prize, I was told that another position will open up in June and that they would like to talk to me at that point.

Also, I get to remain employed at the job I've been at for almost 11 years now.  Which makes me reflect on my time there:

• I have never once traveled with this company even though we have multiple offices
• It's been just shy of 6 years since my last raise
• My last raise was me quitting in October 2007 and coming back in February 2008
• I am no longer challenged by any of my given responsibilities
• My last 3 bonuses have all been half of what they were the previous time
• I do have a lot of flex time, which is nice when I am asked to do things for other people in my life
• I get 5 weeks of vacation and I use up every single hour that I earn. Each and every year

I was hoping that being dedicated (I've not taken a single unscheduled day off for sickness in over two years), coming in when there is an issue (I live 3 miles away, which is 1 mile closer than one co-worker and 20 miles closer than the other co-worker), always having my phone with me to answer it, staying late when needed would somehow be shown in ways other than the occasional "Attaboy".

Instead, I do my best to appreciate a regular paycheck, which I discovered today, is less take home pay than I made 6 years ago when I returned to the company. And employment that I seem to not be in any imminent danger of jeopardizing.

So in six years, I have not moved forward.  I have not stayed stationary.  I have regressed in many ways.  The loyalty I have given these last six years has all been for naught.  Well, it does garner an impressive response to friends, family and job interviews.  Which I label as a positive.  So long as I use that positive to find much more gainful employment at a company that understands loyalty goes both ways.

Yes, folks.  I am making efforts to leave the job I loathe.  Today was just a minor setback in my quest to take my loyalty elsewhere.

14 Years

I didnt post much out here this year. Which means I didn't complain much. Even though I had a lot to complain about.

No, I want to end 2013 on this particular blog on a mostly positive note.

For the previous 14 years, my daughter spent every Christmas Eve with my ex-wife and her family. There was no "every other year" schedule like some divorced parents handle things.  I simply wasn't given the option. But this year, my ex-wife decided to make changes in her life, which didn't include my daughter.  And like every single year of her life since the divorce, I was there for my daughter, who I did get to spend not just Christmas Eve with, but a good 4 months living in the same house, until she moved out on her own for the first time in her life.

A major postive change and moving forward.  Yet, making her papa proud and happy.  And elated I was.  A bit emotional on Christmas morning as well, as I was able to wake up with my daughter in the same house in that same 14 years absense.

On this same Christmas Eve night, another event 14 years in the making was the marriage of my step-daughter's father and his partner, thanks to the current legalizing of same-sex marriage in Utah.  It was a joyous moment amongst family and one that I was very happy to share in the good news reveal.

Aside from traveling and turning 50, I didn't feel much positive and progress happened for me in 2013.  But given how Christmas Eve turned out, it ended with greatness and giving me a boost of hope that 2014 will be a much better year.

Rediscovering Passion

This blog is many things to me, but for most of the posts I've created out here, they have been complaints about my life.

My last post talked about making changes.  Most of these changes are related to things I am passion about, which is changing what I do for a living.  After 28 years as a Network Admin, I am needing/wanting a change.

I am very passionate about wanting this change.  But more than anything, I am passionate about the many projects I have going on.  I want to complete them. But I let too many other things in life get in the way of working on them to completion.  This eats at me a lot.. multiple times a day as I encounter the things that distract me.

I keep thinking I will reach that point of "I CAN"T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!!" but then another day comes along where I deal with these things that block me from moving forward.

I've come to the recent conclusion that I can't let these distractions worry me or prevent me from completing my personal and business projects.  While I've been ok to let them make me feel a lack of passion at my day job, I've let that lack bleed over to my own personal life outside of the day job.  That is where my main frustration level grows larger by the day and the hour.

I must simply find the best and most effective way to work through my personal life and day job responsibilities, while rediscovering the passion I used to have for making videos, writing stories and blogging my life's adventures.  It's the only thing that I can see that will relieve me of my complaints, stress and irritations.

Changes Hard

aka Change Is Hard

I turned 50 almost a month ago.  It really wasn't that big of a deal.  I had a nice party with lots of friends and booze and enjoyed myself.  Of course, that party happened 3 days before I hit the big 5-0, but still had a good time.

But turning 50 also brings up new concerns.  I've been at the job I'm not fond of for over 10 years now.  It's evident that I will celebrate 11 years in this comfortably unhappy place of employment.  Unless I want to change.  Which I do.  I don't enjoy bitching about this place.  It's fodder for the bar and former co-workers.  It drains my emotions and time and distracts me from making a change.

Which is what the goal of writing all of this is supposed to do...  incite change.  Change is hard.  Changes are difficult.  They need to happen, but the comfortable state is settling for the easy way.

There are plans in the works for change.  Perhaps a move to California.  At the very least, deciding what best to do for income.  Because when I look towards 11 years and turning 51 in 11 months, I want to look back and see a change.  Not just another similar entry taking about change.

Expected vs. Willing

For my first post of 2013 (and the first in over 4 months), I decided to tackle the topic of expected and willing.

The idea of being expected to do something is the negative side of being a responsible person in life. You've set a precedent that others come to be familiar with. If you deviate just once from that pattern, it comes across as negative. Like succeeding 99% of the time and getting little to no credit for that, but that 1% failure is mentioned and takes center stage for all of those you surround yourself with.

That idea is where we as a human race fail. We like and crave praise, but it rarely happens.

As for the willing part, that's a fine line to define. There are many things in life that I do that are expected of me, but ones that I am willing to do. Because I want to. To those that don't know you are willingly doing something, they see it as an expectation. Does it matter that they don't see it as something you are willing to do? Yes, it actually does. But saying something to that effect might have you come across as expecting them to accept you as a willing participant and not as an expected member of the community.

They might worry that if you are not willing to do a previously expected task, that it won't get done. And there in lies the dichotomy that plays out in my head every day.

Of course, that would be setting a new expectation. One of reducing the expectations and creating more willing tasks.

I'm willing to accept that expectation.

Second Rate

There are days when I feel like a second rate person.  I'm an overall positive person, some of the positions I have allowed myself to be placed in make me feel less optimistic about many things.

Job
My job is an unchallenging and unfulfilling place.  I see myself relegated to a series of projects that made me excited to be in the IT world to feeling more like the greeter at a Wal-Mart, responsibility wise.  I stay at this job for a couple of reasons: one, I get a decent amount of time off each year, and if I'm sane and crazy enough to stay here till May 2013 - my 10 year anniversary - I will acquire another week of vacation time.  I do have some flex time when there is no crisis happening, which allows me to take a 2 hour lunch if I need to or run my daughter somewhere.  I easily put in over 40 hours a week and usually eat my lunch at my desk, but it's nice to not have to answer to a direct boss (although that is changing once again today).

Home
While my wife and I have a great relationship, there is some intimidation that goes on, as I've blogged about before.  Not so much disastrous, but because I've allowed/participated in giving up some control of what goes on, mostly with positive results I might add, but at times, not feeling comfortable to have a voice of my own, just letting my other half make the decisions.  And this does work, as I just mentioned, but not all the time as I get resentful here and there.  Growing a "set" after years of letting someone else carry that "set" is not an easy transition of occurrence.  I attempt it when I reach a limit, and it makes me feel like I might be overstepping my bounds, yet with a bit of relief to finally take the reigns.

Mental
Due to many factors, I've let a lot of what's bothering me creep into my creative side, which has hampered my ability to dedicate time to making videos, writing novels, reading books and going places without my mental state taking a front and center interruption.  I am seeing a counselor at this time to help me regain focus, but until I can see myself making a major change, I don't foresee any results being made.

And to segue way into change, it's that enlightened hope that change will bring more enjoyment in my work and home lives, bringing it back to being challenged and using my creative side to make moving forward and reality, and not just something I talk about each and every day.

Life is Just a List of "Don't Do That's"

So last night, I was scheduled off bowling on the summer league.  There was a concert that I was planning to attend, but the band canceled and none of the people I had planned to go with were still wanting to go see the replacement band they scheduled.  So instead, I decided to go cheer my team on while they bowled.

I also found time to visit the bar at the bowling alley and throw back a few drinks.  Now if you've known me when I drink, I'm a happy drinker.  I'm not angry, nor do I get all weird or odd when I drink.  I smile and have a good time.

But as sometimes happens with consuming alcohol, we all tend to increase the volume in our voice to some degree.  And evidently saying the word "whiskey" many times throughout the night was annoying to someone on the other team.  They didn't tell me, but told my wife, who then told me to "tone it down"  The third time she told me this is when she mentioned the person on the other team.  So I toned it down... way down.  To a mostly silent level.

After the last game was over, I congratulated the other team on their win and apologized to the person I was being "too loud" to.  She seemed a bit confused and said that it was ok and that it wasn't an issue.  It wasn't until the car ride home with my wife that I learned SHE was the person I was being "too loud" for, not the other bowling.

This is not new.  There have been many times in the years we have been together that there are things I do that bother her.  Slurping coffee or soup, the occasional smacking of the lips after eating something, shaking my leg at night when I sleep.  And many others.  I have taken note of them after we have our discussion about it, which then turns into me stopping the thing I do.

We ended up having quite the discussion about the "loudness" last night and this morning before I left for work.  She made it known to me that it wasn't about me being happy... she just simply wanted me to tone it down in that particular setting.

How I work and operate is that I try to not do things that annoying people.  And over the years, I've made extra efforts to stop those things around my wife, even to the point to when she is not around, I have that level of "I need to make sure I don't do that"  And in general, that's a respectful thing.  And it has the benefit of, just in case it bothers other people besides my wife, I get a win for not being annoying to the public.

But it's a consumable list of items that I add to here which prompts a long discussion, followed by a cool off period which is then forgotten until I do something else that bothers her and we repeat the whole drama situation over.

I hate drama with a fucking passion and I do what it takes to avoid it at all costs.  Yet, for some reason, as I add now yet another item to my "don't do that" list, I've pushed myself into another round of drama.  Did I make a big deal out of nothing?  Quite possibly, but at the same time, I struggle with the understanding of being with someone who tells me often that I'm a good guy, yet will find the thing that I do that bothers her that makes me question the title of "good guy."

Have I set the bar too high?  Am I that good of a guy that my wife expects so much more out of me and each little thing I do that bugs her has to be squashed?

At this point, it's just a level of frustration added to my list of "don't do that" on top of the other shit that I am personally dealing with (projects in various states of incompleteness) and another dramatic episode that I try so hard not to repeat.

Another round of drinks please.  I'll be over here quietly managing my lists.

Reduction

Since last November, I started going back to the gym.  And until the first week of April, I worked out and didn't lose more than three pounds.  Nor did I get any fitter, with the exception of being able to climb stairs without getting overly winded.  I just enjoyed my cheese curds, bacon cheeseburgers and cheese sprinkled liberally on all of my salads.

Starting the second week of April, and after several discussions with a friend, I decided I wanted to see if I could lose more than just three pounds.  So I started counting calories and watching what I eat (which is not to be confused with watching myself eat the food I was putting in my mouth).

Today, I am down 13 pounds since November.  Not my ultimate goal (I still have 5 more pounds to go for that), but it's been nice to see I could do something like this.

Most of the changes came from sticking to a set number of calories I consume each day, combined with exercise most days.  For example, my daily sandwich omits items that carry a lot of calories in a single serving - like mayo (which I love).  A very thin layer conceals the top of the bread.  Replaced the majority of the mayo with mustard (which has little to no calories, depending on the brand and type).

While it's a nice change, I still splurge every so often (mostly booze) and then add an extra 10 minutes to my workout and drink more water.

I've got many more goals, projects and personal tasks I want to get done, and I will use this experience to show I can actually make it work.

Now to go find that 150 calorie snack I brought to work today.

Being Asked vs. Being Told

Last night, right after I told my wife that I was going to steak dinner with a friend, she asked a big favor of me.

Earlier, she mentioned that she was going to a play with her friend/boss/co-worker and wouldn't be able to mow the lawn.  It had been a while since I had mowed the lawn... last year, I believe.  It's not hard, it's just awkward and it's not the easiest lawn to mow, which doesn't make it hard, just not easy.

So of course I said I would, but time wise, I wanted to plan to still make dinner with my friend, not really giving me much time to visit with him if I waited until after work to mow the lawn then racing over to the bar.  Or going to the bar, wolfing down dinner and drinks then racing home to mow the lawn before it got dark.  This convoluted mess of time mixed in my head for a couple of hours this morning and I finally came up with a resolve.

Go home at lunch and mow the lawn.

The sun was out, I sweated a little and finished the monster task in under an hour.  I'm sure I missed a few spots (but not as many as would be missed in the dusk-to-dark hour).  Now my mind is free and I can hang out with my friend and enjoy dinner and cocktails without guilt or being rushed.

Which brings me to the subject of this post.  There are many times in the last few years where I've had many distractions that have gotten in the way of things I wanted to do.  Some of those are requests from my spouse that almost always seem to have that timing that conflicts with other things I want to do.  I have no defense for those times I mindlessly surf the web at home and am the least bit productive.  Those times are always followed with a "Yes dear" and the task gets completed sooner than later.

But when conflict presents itself, my mind plays out different scenarios of how I can do both the thing I want and the thing my wife wants.  That, in of itself, is where a good manager of time can avoid conflict and enjoy life.  I am not quite there yet in that Time Manager title, but someday, I hope to be.

It will be a day that I will both enjoy and missing the eventual conflict.

Vacation Return

Returning back to work after a nine-day vacation is not the easiest thing to do.  It's always better when things are busy and not too crazy.  Today was one of those days.  I appreciate them when I can get them.

The idea of taking a long enough vacation is to go somewhere you haven't before and to also have time to unwind.  I was able to accomplish that last week.  Another thing I very much appreciate very much.

I was unplugged from the internet a good deal of the time and while I missed tweeting my every move (ok, I'm not that bad), it was nice to get away from the "checking tweets" mode and enjoy where I was (Alaska).

Now it's back to daily life and waiting for the next set of days I can take some time off.