For my first post of 2013 (and the first in over 4 months), I decided to tackle the topic of expected and willing.
The idea of being expected to do something is the negative side of being a responsible person in life. You've set a precedent that others come to be familiar with. If you deviate just once from that pattern, it comes across as negative. Like succeeding 99% of the time and getting little to no credit for that, but that 1% failure is mentioned and takes center stage for all of those you surround yourself with.
That idea is where we as a human race fail. We like and crave praise, but it rarely happens.
As for the willing part, that's a fine line to define. There are many things in life that I do that are expected of me, but ones that I am willing to do. Because I want to. To those that don't know you are willingly doing something, they see it as an expectation. Does it matter that they don't see it as something you are willing to do? Yes, it actually does. But saying something to that effect might have you come across as expecting them to accept you as a willing participant and not as an expected member of the community.
They might worry that if you are not willing to do a previously expected task, that it won't get done. And there in lies the dichotomy that plays out in my head every day.
Of course, that would be setting a new expectation. One of reducing the expectations and creating more willing tasks.
I'm willing to accept that expectation.
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Marty, This is oppressive, and it's wrong, for a person to be so presumptuous as to debase what you do of your own good will and volition down to an obligation/duty which you will be punished for failing to perform consistently thereafter. This arrogance & entitlement is poison, Marty, and its willful continuation as the status quo is an abuse of this party's position. Let me break that down: worse than simply disrespectful, this practice & attitude is a willful dismissal of your dignity and humanity. Your time and your life. If I sound a little worked up about this, let me tell you that it's been building up over the past however-much-time you've been posting about this issue. I feel defensive of you & indignant/angry, powerless & frustrated, at watching you be so wronged. Such a deeply good person being (worse than) taken (badly) for granted, then spat upon with consequences when you lean slightly and break up the well-oiled machination that is 'what's expected of you'.
ReplyDeleteYou're missing appreciation and the acknowledgement of your own volition - boy, I'll say. Repeatedly, for years. That is oppression. You can't be appreciated if your own volition isn't even recognized, Marty. And it's willfully dismissed, ignored as though it weren't there or true, so that you may be gradually gaslighted in to believing the same and eventually stop pestering your oppressor/oppressing circumstances for the lovely things you very much deserve: respectful and affectionate appreciation among other things. When in a healthy balance of giving and receiving that, your own will & voluntary behaviors are celebrated as such, and not squelched into oblivion.
As always, you have deduced what the real issue is here. Oppression. And it's one that has been building up for years. And this isn't just one person... it's many that I surround myself with in life. Sometimes because it's been easier to take the high road and not be completely honest about how I feel. Other times, it's been because there is a balance of expected and willing - enough of which was more positive than negative.
ReplyDeleteI do enjoy the appreciation that finds it's way to me, but you are right, in that my own volition, I might be missing a good amount of it. There are times when I hear that I am a decent guy and I get that praise - both directly and in conversation with others when I am not present. I do appreciate that, but it does get lost when that 1% of the time when I don't do what I'm expected, I tend to focus on that. And for my own good, that has to stop. I'm guessing the best option with that is to not dwell on that bane criticism and realize that the 99% is still there.
In a general sense, there's many parts of my life that I'm burnt out on. Not so much in a depressed or negative way, but from a view of doing so much the same thing for so long, that's it's gotten to be a pattern of drudgery. Normally replacing doing what I want to do, not what others expect of me.
And that, is my version of being oppressed.
Does this response make sense?
DeleteI understand it, yes. But it falls within a mode of acceptance or tolerance of the offending parties/circumstances and wonders about how changing your own perspective is the key to living more comfortably with it. My urge & the vehemence in my answer comes from a place of feeling & thinking that the best answer for you (and everyone around you, ultimately) is active & behavioral, not passive & and attitude/language/perspective-based. I want for you to RECLAIM YOUR LIFE. To grasp the weight pressing down on your humanity and SHOVE THAT MOTHERFUCKER OFF. To move into & create new circumstances in which your good self may spring back to a thriving sense of esteem. Please read my rant again, and then again. It's a little urgent. I see you in a **place you need out of, not a place you need to alter your perspective of. You need & deserve to OWN. #pwnd
**I know I don't have much knowledge of your details, and again, I realize saying things like this may be/is overstepping , so I'm banking on your willingness to be forgiving and understanding. It does pain me to see such a deeply good soul in these circumstances & frustrates me to see you continue to tolerate them.
No overstepping here. Your words above are ones that also play in my head every day "RECLAIM YOUR LIFE" Of course, saying it and doing it are two different things. But I know what needs to happen in order for me to move forward in life. And the more friends that say it, it motivates me to push myself to make it happen.
DeleteVery much appreciate your comments here. They speak volumes to me. In the meantime, I will re-read your rant again and again until it sinks into my moving forward processes.
Re: "I know what needs to happen..." I would love to hear, if you ever felt like telling, just what you have in mind!
Delete:-)
I will share my thoughts on this (and other things) via email. Taking it offline to another online venue.
DeleteHey, P.S., I use this quote culler call 'Findings'. When I was browsing through it this morning, I came across this & thought, wow, perfect!
ReplyDeletehttp://bit.ly/QuoteForMarty
That step 6 outlines what it is that I need to do. (which, I must thank you for sharing that with me - I have saved it to my Evernote for permanent and often reading). That speaks volumes to me, so yes, it was perfectly matched to this conversation/post.
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